I wanted you more than anyone else, but I pushed you away. I’m sorry.
You are an amazing creature. You are someone funny and intelligent and hardworking and sexy and thoughtful and sweet and different. You would always laugh even on my stupidest ideas. You’d smile at me even when I am on my grumpiest. You wanted me when I was loud and crazy, and you wanted me when I was silent. You knew me. Many times, you knocked on my door because you knew I had a bad day. Drove me to a coffee shop or a Chinese restaurant on those days you felt I needed a break from training. I wanted you more than anyone else, and I had you.
I’m sorry. I wasn’t contented.
The times you stayed outside my school, waiting for my late night practice to end just to have dinner with me were not enough. The daily morning messages were not enough. The kisses were not enough. The way you held my hand was not enough. The things you did were not enough. I wanted you more than anyone else, but it seemed like it was not enough.
I shut you off. I’m sorry.
You admired me the way I admired you. You looked at me deep. Deep to my soul like no one else ever did. You heard my heartbeat and you understood my silence. You wanted me. Except, you never loved me. You found me special.. but you never told me you love me. I wanted you more than anyone else, but you never loved me.
I loved you. I’m sorry.
You never loved me. The painful thought creeped for days then weeks then months. And the worst thing about the pain is that, it didn’t kill me fast. It lingered long and slow, little by little. Until I had too much I started to bleed. I bled through my mouth with the words I never wanted to say to you, “Leave”. I wanted you more than anyone else, but I pushed you away.
I thought I knew a heartbreak.
I thought I already knew what a heartbreak is. Until you walked away and left traces of good memories I followed every night before I sleep. And quietly, as I remembered the things we did, I shattered into very little pieces. I thought I knew what a heartbreak is. Until I saw photos of you, happy.. with someone else. And secretly, as I scrolled through your photos, I crushed into even smaller pieces.
You changed me.
And while you were in complete bliss and your life has already flipped to another chapter, I was still picking up my fragments. I lost the fire you started. The fire brought by my hopes that someday, somewhere along the road we would meet and continue our story. I’m still unwell. But gladly, I stopped wishing. I knew and felt from that point, all I wanted was to be happy.
Then, I travelled.